My Passion

Tonight, I'm in a weird, down, introspective mood.....questioning my path and the decisions I've made, wondering about where my life is going. I ask "What am I passionate about? What have I done with my life so far?" I start thinking about when I was in high school and I had my future planned out like map. Things were supposed to be different; I was supposed to go to college right after graduation. I should be graduating from college this year. Things didn't work out like that. So I've found some hobbies I enjoy while I work to pay my bills: makeup, cupcakes, and writing. But then I start getting cynical and think "I'm no one special. If I ever tried to follow those hobbies into something professional, there are tons of other people who do the same thing, and do them better." So am I passionate about them? I'm not sure. But I do know that with all the mistakes I've made in my short life, he is not one of them. He's the one that pulls me out of these self-loathing moods. He injects happiness and light into my once dull existence. I know that if I never find anything that I'm spectacular at, I am amazing at loving him. No one else can do it or do it better than me...he is my passion.

Almost 5 Months...=}

Listening to: blink-182 feat. Robert Smith, "All of This"

Soooo...this 27th I'll have been in Mississippi for 5 months!! Wow this time has passed by so quickly. I'm kinda amazed at how easily I've gotten used to everything here. Not to say that everything is so terribly different than in Colorado, but after living in one place for my entire life then moving to a completely different area.....that's kind of a shock.

Anyway, I really do like it here. The people are friendly and the weather is awesome. It rains like crazy sometimes and when it does, if I'm not at work, I just like to relax and listen to the showers. I've yet to go to the beach on a sunny day to get a tan (I actually kinda like my pale, pasty self), but I'm planning on trying to go sometime in the summer. =}

Times do get a little difficult sometimes, but when they do, my awesome boyfriend is always there to calm me down or give me a hug or just kiss my head and hold me...I would have never been able to do this without him. He's is the absolute most wonderful man I've ever known. The past 14 months have flown by with him, yet each day has been incredibly special. I never knew I could be so in love!

Well, I think I've gone on long enough, so I'll be off now =}
Adieu!

14 Days...=}

Listening to: Panic! at the Disco, "Hurricane"

You'd think that with two weeks left in Colorado, I'd be getting ready to move, and absorbing the last bit of Colorado-ness I can....I'm not...

I'm anxious to move, to be with him, to start my life new...but I'm stalling...why? Because my family (my mother, mainly) is taking my uprooting very hard, and I find that it is hard for me to rip their hearts out.
I used to think that if I left home I wouldn't be missed...now I'm not so sure...will Mom miss me or is she just having abandonment issues? I want to be with my love, my everything and she is killing the joy I'm feeling at the rest of my life being so near...*sigh*...is that insensitive of me? Hmm...

I have so much to do: packing the essentials, finishing my work transfer, finding a place to live....ugh I need to write a list...

I'm looking forward to the challenge of making it on my own in a whole other state...I'm looking forward to seeing him everyday...my heart is with him in Mississippi, it's time I go home to him finally...I love you darling....14 days! =D

Changing...

Listening to: Two Door Cinema Club, "What You Know"


So...regretting everything I've ever said last night...typical now. Totally unsure about how to fix this...he's distant and upset...hurt, as he should be. I was vicious...but I wonder...isn't there a point of forgiveness? Where one just figures it's time to let it go and move on?

Sure, the morning after is a bit soon...but I miss him. Our conversation, stilted and awkward. I don't know if I should apologize again...what would that do? Next time we fought the apologies would mean less, if I keep doing the same things...

That must be the answer. To change...to alter my behavior, my attitude, my whole being. Enacting this change will essentially fix the things that I continue to do. Right? I've tried to change before, never with lasting results. A few weeks, tops. Well what will be different now?

Maybe before I wasn't really in it for it to last, having little faith in this thing, figuring it wouldn't last so why exert the energy? Yes, it sounds coldhearted and cynical. But that's me. Now? I'm in it for good...this is what I want. Without a doubt. Forever. So I can change...I have to for this to work.

Love is a painful thing, but it will be worth it in the end, right?

So why does my heart feel cold..........?

I Don't Like To Get Dirty...;}

Listening to: Vices I Admire "Heartbreaker"


So...a great weekend...eh...

The Westword Music Showcase...I must admit the music was completely INSANE =D in a good way...I loved the bands I saw: Della, UME, The Epilogues, Young the Giant, Vices I Admire, Boys, Della (again =}), My Body Sings Electric, Monroe Monroe.............and Chromeo...........surprisingly.  I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see that day, so many people and so little time, scheduling conflicts, and of course, that little Under 21 issue. =P  But everyone I saw was absolutely fantastic.

I got an odd looking sunburn on my back (I blame the sunscreen...it didn't magically jump from the bottle onto my skin in a neat mess-free manner) and a headache from all the icky chemicals in the air =P but it was a good day.  I would SO do it again next year. =D

But next time I'll use the sunscreen. Haha.


......followed by three days of suckish work and relationship-type arguments and fights...

Work is...well, work...I hate this effing job haha. I swore I'd never go back to that place, but I did. Oh well. It's not so bad this time, but I still hate it. 

And them early days are making me tired, which leads to me falling asleep earlier, which leads to fights with people about not talking like we used to, and that leads to a whole mess of trouble...see? Money does no one a bit of good...

I'm so sick of this bull-doody =P

And my back hurts...and here I am complaining in another blog haha.
I need a chiropractor. And a psychiatrist =}

Well that's all I have to say now.
More later.

Adieu,
Me.

Thoughtful Life Stuff

Listening to: Rise Against, "Swing Life Away"


I'm feeling contemplative...thinking of life and such...

Love's a funny thing, don't you think? It comes at you from the least expected direction. Up until a few months ago, I was convinced it didn't exist.  Now look at me. Positively starry-eyed, head over heels, love friggin' oozing from me.  I'm happy, a feeling I'm not really used to. And it's all because of one person...=} But geez, listen to me, I sound like a complete sap, haha.

My life is heading in a very good direction now.  This fall I'll be going to school again, thank the universe, haha. It's been a year since I graduated and it feels like I haven't done much with my life.  Working a bit, hanging around the house, blah blah blah. Oh what progress =P  I really need to learn stuff in life, to do productive things, to enrich my life everyday with information...as much as I hate to admit it, I actually miss school...How depressing. Now I think I've hit rock bottom, intellectually, haha.

I'm just excited to start working toward my ultimate goals.

Hmm...I'm starting to write again. As in, my stories and poems.  It feels really spectacular.  I missed this feeling, the cleansing of my mind as I pour my thoughts onto the paper.  For so long it's been like there was a dam stopping that little thought-river in my brain.  Everyday, random things inspire me, as well as big, life shaking things. Gosh, I just MISSED this so so SO much...ugh.

I feel physically and mentally healthier...somedays I still feel a little blech and glum, but those days are few and far between...I smile, genuinely, more. I feel the sincere tendrils touching my soul. When I cry, it's not with despair, it's with joy.

...and I'm going on and on. Haha.

I'm not trying to brag or show off, throw my "super wonderfully awesome life" in people's faces, I just feel like I need to shout to the world how much better things feel now, as compared to this time last year. I'm done now...I swear...=D

(P.S. you know who you are, if you're reading this, Eye Heart Yew =}...)

More later.

Adieu,
A content Me.

Prom, Graduation, and all that whatnot-ness.

Listening to: Circa Survive "Imaginary Enemy"

Bonjuicy!
With my returning blog in over 10 months, I thought I'd complain a bit. =D

Okay...with all this semi-nauseating hype surrounding prom, I feel the need to harp on how disappointing my own senior prom was. Hee hee =}

The dance itself kinda sucked, first of all. As expected, the music was just the same ol' bullshoot they play at EVERY dance I'd been to...so not such a let down there. I just prefer different music to the popularly demanded songs my peers favored. The after prom thing, a tryst at Boondocks, now that was a little better. At least I can say I had fun there. =} Games, go-karts, laser tag and a spot o' pizza. Yay...I guess. =} Umm...after that? Not even WORTH mentioning, haha. That hour would have been better spent going home and sleeping.

And that's it. Well my friends looked pretty nice, I got some memories to file away in my Senior Year folder and after all that puffed up hooplah...I can at least be proud to mention that I did not look fat in my dress. =D And that fact, indeed, is something to be proud about. Especially when I see some girls this year in pictures that, unfortunately...did. Poor girl. Haha. =D

Snarky? Yes, I realize that. But there's no love lost between me and that girl....teehee.

Graduation. Now that was something I worked very very VERY hard for. Cutting it close the day before, actually. The ceremony was long and super speech-filled. Walking across that stage was the best part, the most satisfying feeling in my life so far. It signified to the world that I, me, Michelle, actually accomplished something worth accomplishing.

The havoc afterwards didn't allow me to congratulate all my friends, but oh well. Didn't diminish my glow, haha. That party my parents threw me was even more than tolerable, and I'm not one for crowded social situations. Especially ones focused on me. =P Anyway, it was a good day all around.

So, with that assessment and my limited time left, I must wrap up. Good to write again, good to see ya again, dear bloggy. Haha.

Adieu,
Me.