Remembering Senior Year

Listening to: Silversun Pickups, "Catch and Release"

About seven months ago, I had a dream about a friend of mine.  I had liked this friend of mine for a while, as something "more than a friend" and it wasn't so odd that they popped up into my wandering nighttime thoughts.  What was odd was the whole situation. It didn't take place in the present (or, rather, the present when I was dreaming), but about two years from then, in December of 2011.

When I woke up, and actually remembered what I dreamed (which I ususally don't), I wrote it down so I might examine it more closely and maybe figure out what it meant.  I took it as a misguided sign that that friend and I were "meant to be." A prediction of the future. I was sorely mistaken.  Ha ha. =]

I kinda regret now, not telling that friend how I felt about them, but in hindsight I can see that if I did, it would have been a little untimely. I can't say how hard it is sometimes to get over someone, but I know that it's better that I did. Reading through the little journal entries I wrote at the time made me realize that we just wouldn't have been right for each other, we're better off as friends.  Time and reflections heal all wounds (well, most of them). =}


This last year in high school forced me to see a lot of things. About my friends (I use that term loosely), about my family, and about me! =}

Some of the people I considered friends were kind of, space-fillers. No offense intended. But they were just basically people who I hung around with because I had hung around with them since middle school, and it was comfortable. As the years went by, I got to know them more and grew apart from them.  It hit me that I couldn't confide in them all my inner thoughts, like you could with a true, real friend.  I couldn't be myself with them, the person I had become, so I stuck with the person they knew. Does that make sense?  I started to withdraw and in my second semester of senior year I took fewer classes and spent even less time with some of them.  I do feel a bit sorry about that because that was the time I should have been trying to absorb all the good memories I could.  But in a way now, I know who I could trust and be myself with. They are the ones who stuck by me even as I kinda blew them off.  They are the people I talk to on a regular basis.  They are the ones who I would want to let read my journal, darker poems, stories, and this blog. And I'm glad I have them still =}

My family. Ah, what could I say about them? That my mother and I get along both better than before and worse?  That I feel a certain kinship with my dad that I never realized before?  That I miss being able to mess around and tease my sister and being able to talk to her more than I can say?  All this is true, but it just doesn't cover all of it.  My sister is out on her own, with my little 4 month old niece with her and a man as well. We were never super close, able to talk about anything and everything, but now that everything is changing in my life, I really wish that we were and that she was here to help me through all this stuff.
I hate that my mom and I fight so much, but because of those fights we got to know each others iffy spots and how to skirt around them to avoid more fights, and so we've become closer. She and my dad have helped me so much in life, especially this year and I can never thank them enough for all they've done.

Me. Well, all I've figured out about the people previously mentioned has some how made me figure out things about myself as well.  I know that I have horrible study habits; I procrastinate so much it's self-sabotaging. I know that even though I think I have everything figured out about my future, and I think it's set in stone, everything can change on a whim or deeper thought about my cemented path.  I won't get into everything I figured about me, because one, a lot casts me in a bad light, ha ha =]. And two, I would be at this computer all night.

All in all, in spite of all my complaining and griping about how horrible senior year was and how I hated my school, I did learn something there. Wow...that's amazing. Ha ha =}

Well, more later. (Oh happy Full Moon)
Rawr...=}