My Passion

Tonight, I'm in a weird, down, introspective mood.....questioning my path and the decisions I've made, wondering about where my life is going. I ask "What am I passionate about? What have I done with my life so far?" I start thinking about when I was in high school and I had my future planned out like map. Things were supposed to be different; I was supposed to go to college right after graduation. I should be graduating from college this year. Things didn't work out like that. So I've found some hobbies I enjoy while I work to pay my bills: makeup, cupcakes, and writing. But then I start getting cynical and think "I'm no one special. If I ever tried to follow those hobbies into something professional, there are tons of other people who do the same thing, and do them better." So am I passionate about them? I'm not sure. But I do know that with all the mistakes I've made in my short life, he is not one of them. He's the one that pulls me out of these self-loathing moods. He injects happiness and light into my once dull existence. I know that if I never find anything that I'm spectacular at, I am amazing at loving him. No one else can do it or do it better than me...he is my passion.

Almost 5 Months...=}

Listening to: blink-182 feat. Robert Smith, "All of This"

Soooo...this 27th I'll have been in Mississippi for 5 months!! Wow this time has passed by so quickly. I'm kinda amazed at how easily I've gotten used to everything here. Not to say that everything is so terribly different than in Colorado, but after living in one place for my entire life then moving to a completely different area.....that's kind of a shock.

Anyway, I really do like it here. The people are friendly and the weather is awesome. It rains like crazy sometimes and when it does, if I'm not at work, I just like to relax and listen to the showers. I've yet to go to the beach on a sunny day to get a tan (I actually kinda like my pale, pasty self), but I'm planning on trying to go sometime in the summer. =}

Times do get a little difficult sometimes, but when they do, my awesome boyfriend is always there to calm me down or give me a hug or just kiss my head and hold me...I would have never been able to do this without him. He's is the absolute most wonderful man I've ever known. The past 14 months have flown by with him, yet each day has been incredibly special. I never knew I could be so in love!

Well, I think I've gone on long enough, so I'll be off now =}
Adieu!

14 Days...=}

Listening to: Panic! at the Disco, "Hurricane"

You'd think that with two weeks left in Colorado, I'd be getting ready to move, and absorbing the last bit of Colorado-ness I can....I'm not...

I'm anxious to move, to be with him, to start my life new...but I'm stalling...why? Because my family (my mother, mainly) is taking my uprooting very hard, and I find that it is hard for me to rip their hearts out.
I used to think that if I left home I wouldn't be missed...now I'm not so sure...will Mom miss me or is she just having abandonment issues? I want to be with my love, my everything and she is killing the joy I'm feeling at the rest of my life being so near...*sigh*...is that insensitive of me? Hmm...

I have so much to do: packing the essentials, finishing my work transfer, finding a place to live....ugh I need to write a list...

I'm looking forward to the challenge of making it on my own in a whole other state...I'm looking forward to seeing him everyday...my heart is with him in Mississippi, it's time I go home to him finally...I love you darling....14 days! =D

Changing...

Listening to: Two Door Cinema Club, "What You Know"


So...regretting everything I've ever said last night...typical now. Totally unsure about how to fix this...he's distant and upset...hurt, as he should be. I was vicious...but I wonder...isn't there a point of forgiveness? Where one just figures it's time to let it go and move on?

Sure, the morning after is a bit soon...but I miss him. Our conversation, stilted and awkward. I don't know if I should apologize again...what would that do? Next time we fought the apologies would mean less, if I keep doing the same things...

That must be the answer. To change...to alter my behavior, my attitude, my whole being. Enacting this change will essentially fix the things that I continue to do. Right? I've tried to change before, never with lasting results. A few weeks, tops. Well what will be different now?

Maybe before I wasn't really in it for it to last, having little faith in this thing, figuring it wouldn't last so why exert the energy? Yes, it sounds coldhearted and cynical. But that's me. Now? I'm in it for good...this is what I want. Without a doubt. Forever. So I can change...I have to for this to work.

Love is a painful thing, but it will be worth it in the end, right?

So why does my heart feel cold..........?

I Don't Like To Get Dirty...;}

Listening to: Vices I Admire "Heartbreaker"


So...a great weekend...eh...

The Westword Music Showcase...I must admit the music was completely INSANE =D in a good way...I loved the bands I saw: Della, UME, The Epilogues, Young the Giant, Vices I Admire, Boys, Della (again =}), My Body Sings Electric, Monroe Monroe.............and Chromeo...........surprisingly.  I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see that day, so many people and so little time, scheduling conflicts, and of course, that little Under 21 issue. =P  But everyone I saw was absolutely fantastic.

I got an odd looking sunburn on my back (I blame the sunscreen...it didn't magically jump from the bottle onto my skin in a neat mess-free manner) and a headache from all the icky chemicals in the air =P but it was a good day.  I would SO do it again next year. =D

But next time I'll use the sunscreen. Haha.


......followed by three days of suckish work and relationship-type arguments and fights...

Work is...well, work...I hate this effing job haha. I swore I'd never go back to that place, but I did. Oh well. It's not so bad this time, but I still hate it. 

And them early days are making me tired, which leads to me falling asleep earlier, which leads to fights with people about not talking like we used to, and that leads to a whole mess of trouble...see? Money does no one a bit of good...

I'm so sick of this bull-doody =P

And my back hurts...and here I am complaining in another blog haha.
I need a chiropractor. And a psychiatrist =}

Well that's all I have to say now.
More later.

Adieu,
Me.

Thoughtful Life Stuff

Listening to: Rise Against, "Swing Life Away"


I'm feeling contemplative...thinking of life and such...

Love's a funny thing, don't you think? It comes at you from the least expected direction. Up until a few months ago, I was convinced it didn't exist.  Now look at me. Positively starry-eyed, head over heels, love friggin' oozing from me.  I'm happy, a feeling I'm not really used to. And it's all because of one person...=} But geez, listen to me, I sound like a complete sap, haha.

My life is heading in a very good direction now.  This fall I'll be going to school again, thank the universe, haha. It's been a year since I graduated and it feels like I haven't done much with my life.  Working a bit, hanging around the house, blah blah blah. Oh what progress =P  I really need to learn stuff in life, to do productive things, to enrich my life everyday with information...as much as I hate to admit it, I actually miss school...How depressing. Now I think I've hit rock bottom, intellectually, haha.

I'm just excited to start working toward my ultimate goals.

Hmm...I'm starting to write again. As in, my stories and poems.  It feels really spectacular.  I missed this feeling, the cleansing of my mind as I pour my thoughts onto the paper.  For so long it's been like there was a dam stopping that little thought-river in my brain.  Everyday, random things inspire me, as well as big, life shaking things. Gosh, I just MISSED this so so SO much...ugh.

I feel physically and mentally healthier...somedays I still feel a little blech and glum, but those days are few and far between...I smile, genuinely, more. I feel the sincere tendrils touching my soul. When I cry, it's not with despair, it's with joy.

...and I'm going on and on. Haha.

I'm not trying to brag or show off, throw my "super wonderfully awesome life" in people's faces, I just feel like I need to shout to the world how much better things feel now, as compared to this time last year. I'm done now...I swear...=D

(P.S. you know who you are, if you're reading this, Eye Heart Yew =}...)

More later.

Adieu,
A content Me.

Prom, Graduation, and all that whatnot-ness.

Listening to: Circa Survive "Imaginary Enemy"

Bonjuicy!
With my returning blog in over 10 months, I thought I'd complain a bit. =D

Okay...with all this semi-nauseating hype surrounding prom, I feel the need to harp on how disappointing my own senior prom was. Hee hee =}

The dance itself kinda sucked, first of all. As expected, the music was just the same ol' bullshoot they play at EVERY dance I'd been to...so not such a let down there. I just prefer different music to the popularly demanded songs my peers favored. The after prom thing, a tryst at Boondocks, now that was a little better. At least I can say I had fun there. =} Games, go-karts, laser tag and a spot o' pizza. Yay...I guess. =} Umm...after that? Not even WORTH mentioning, haha. That hour would have been better spent going home and sleeping.

And that's it. Well my friends looked pretty nice, I got some memories to file away in my Senior Year folder and after all that puffed up hooplah...I can at least be proud to mention that I did not look fat in my dress. =D And that fact, indeed, is something to be proud about. Especially when I see some girls this year in pictures that, unfortunately...did. Poor girl. Haha. =D

Snarky? Yes, I realize that. But there's no love lost between me and that girl....teehee.

Graduation. Now that was something I worked very very VERY hard for. Cutting it close the day before, actually. The ceremony was long and super speech-filled. Walking across that stage was the best part, the most satisfying feeling in my life so far. It signified to the world that I, me, Michelle, actually accomplished something worth accomplishing.

The havoc afterwards didn't allow me to congratulate all my friends, but oh well. Didn't diminish my glow, haha. That party my parents threw me was even more than tolerable, and I'm not one for crowded social situations. Especially ones focused on me. =P Anyway, it was a good day all around.

So, with that assessment and my limited time left, I must wrap up. Good to write again, good to see ya again, dear bloggy. Haha.

Adieu,
Me.

Remembering Senior Year

Listening to: Silversun Pickups, "Catch and Release"

About seven months ago, I had a dream about a friend of mine.  I had liked this friend of mine for a while, as something "more than a friend" and it wasn't so odd that they popped up into my wandering nighttime thoughts.  What was odd was the whole situation. It didn't take place in the present (or, rather, the present when I was dreaming), but about two years from then, in December of 2011.

When I woke up, and actually remembered what I dreamed (which I ususally don't), I wrote it down so I might examine it more closely and maybe figure out what it meant.  I took it as a misguided sign that that friend and I were "meant to be." A prediction of the future. I was sorely mistaken.  Ha ha. =]

I kinda regret now, not telling that friend how I felt about them, but in hindsight I can see that if I did, it would have been a little untimely. I can't say how hard it is sometimes to get over someone, but I know that it's better that I did. Reading through the little journal entries I wrote at the time made me realize that we just wouldn't have been right for each other, we're better off as friends.  Time and reflections heal all wounds (well, most of them). =}


This last year in high school forced me to see a lot of things. About my friends (I use that term loosely), about my family, and about me! =}

Some of the people I considered friends were kind of, space-fillers. No offense intended. But they were just basically people who I hung around with because I had hung around with them since middle school, and it was comfortable. As the years went by, I got to know them more and grew apart from them.  It hit me that I couldn't confide in them all my inner thoughts, like you could with a true, real friend.  I couldn't be myself with them, the person I had become, so I stuck with the person they knew. Does that make sense?  I started to withdraw and in my second semester of senior year I took fewer classes and spent even less time with some of them.  I do feel a bit sorry about that because that was the time I should have been trying to absorb all the good memories I could.  But in a way now, I know who I could trust and be myself with. They are the ones who stuck by me even as I kinda blew them off.  They are the people I talk to on a regular basis.  They are the ones who I would want to let read my journal, darker poems, stories, and this blog. And I'm glad I have them still =}

My family. Ah, what could I say about them? That my mother and I get along both better than before and worse?  That I feel a certain kinship with my dad that I never realized before?  That I miss being able to mess around and tease my sister and being able to talk to her more than I can say?  All this is true, but it just doesn't cover all of it.  My sister is out on her own, with my little 4 month old niece with her and a man as well. We were never super close, able to talk about anything and everything, but now that everything is changing in my life, I really wish that we were and that she was here to help me through all this stuff.
I hate that my mom and I fight so much, but because of those fights we got to know each others iffy spots and how to skirt around them to avoid more fights, and so we've become closer. She and my dad have helped me so much in life, especially this year and I can never thank them enough for all they've done.

Me. Well, all I've figured out about the people previously mentioned has some how made me figure out things about myself as well.  I know that I have horrible study habits; I procrastinate so much it's self-sabotaging. I know that even though I think I have everything figured out about my future, and I think it's set in stone, everything can change on a whim or deeper thought about my cemented path.  I won't get into everything I figured about me, because one, a lot casts me in a bad light, ha ha =]. And two, I would be at this computer all night.

All in all, in spite of all my complaining and griping about how horrible senior year was and how I hated my school, I did learn something there. Wow...that's amazing. Ha ha =}

Well, more later. (Oh happy Full Moon)
Rawr...=}

The Strange and The Misty...

Listening to: Skillet, "Comatose"

So I look outside tonight, and up in the sky is...the moon!! It looks pretty tonight, even though it looks blurry and misty, because of the little clouds. But I love the moon, and on Sunday, at 7:37 pm in Colorado there will be the Full Moon! How fun.

I have a fascination with the moon, but only because I like the fact that it has the gravitational power to control our bodies of water. So it makes me wonder, since the majority of human bodies are water, does that mean it has some kind of influence on us too? Is the water in us pushed and pulled, full of waves and tides, controlled by the pretty moon circling the Earth?  When I think of things like this, it only serves to get me started on the astrology and horoscope stuff.  If the moon (maybe) could influence us, can the stars, planets, and all that other astrological stuff do the same?

I don't put much faith in my horoscope, even though I read mine everyday. Blame curiosity, I guess.  It is strange, though, how precise and fitting the description of a Virgo matches my own personality.  I think I first read a Virgo personality description some time in middle school, when my tendencies and habits were already set in stone, so to speak. It shocked me how the adjectives in that summary echoed some of the adjectives used to describe me by family and friends. I don't think I tried to deliberately fit those descripitions in a self-fulfilling prophesy, because like I mentioned, my personality was pretty much already formed. But it was eerie.

So, does my personal experience mean that indeed horoscopes and astrology are valid and influental?
Phssh, who knows?? =}

Anyway, more later.
Rawr...=}

First Post...Cupcakes and brain teasers. =}

First post of my new blog!
Listening to: The Pink Spiders, "Gimme Chemicals"

My name is Michelle, I'm a writer. I read a lot, and write stories and poems. It sounds common, but I write to get my emotions in a form that makes sense, so that I can make sense of them. I love music, which also sounds annoyingly common, and I pretty much have at least one of my headphones on, no matter what I'm doing, except driving. =} So I can't hear you if you're talking to me right now...sorry! Ha ha.

This past May, I graduated from high school (finally!) and soon I'll be heading off to college! What better way to keep track of my life than writing about it? Anyway, it's pretty intimidating and exciting to know that one very important and influencing chapter of my life is written and over with. Another one is being written now. This summer, a lot has been happening (even though at the moment, each day seems unbearably dull).


Today started pretty much like any other, and still nothing exceptional has happened, but I guess the little moments count. I have a craving to bake some cupcakes, even though I have no craving to eat them.  I just like to make them and decorate the little beauties. =} Maybe becoming a pastry chef is a good idea for me, if it wasn't for my heart being set on writing. I love weaving ideas and pictures with words.  It's an art form to me.  Does that make me an artist? Hmm.

Maybe I can do both! I have an insane plan to open up a cupcake shop and write on the side. That way I won't be without money if I don't get published. Aww, how sad that would be.


Just a little bit ago, I was looking at some brain teasers and puzzles. One of them was a memory game to test your attention span, I think. You had to click the little boxes in numerical order after they quickly flashed the numbers behind them. A chimpanzee had done this test and got 8 sets right. I got 4 correct...I was not smarter than the chimp...that swiftly killed my confidence. You can try the game here.

Okay, I think that was a pretty good debut blog...more later.
Rawr.